[GLaDOS voice] Congratulations. You did everything you weren’t supposed to do. That takes serious effort. I’m almost impressed. If I wasn’t too busy being disgusted and disappointed in you.
So a while back i was at this party and i was the first girl to arrive and there were like 20 guys already there, we were all siting around, having a beer and whatnot when the dj arrived. So all the guys went out the front of the house to help set up the dj gear and it was just me sitting there alone in the backyard for like 5 minuets. I stood up to go follow them bc i was getting really bored when i realized something, my period had gone through my white pants and stained the while chair, i was humiliated, i had no idea what to do, i could hear the guys were coming back and i had to do something quick, time was running out. So i grabbed the chair, ran like 10 meters and threw it over the fence into the neighboring yard, i quickly walked back and tied my jacket around my waist. The guys soon returned and didn’t suspect a thing, i am amazing.
literally buy me a cat and i will seriously do anything you ask me to
this website is so fucked up
when your brother won’t let your people go
Religious people came to my friends door and gave her this pamphlet but they got the texts wrong so apparently jesus has no time for you
John Mulaney | The Salt & Pepper Diner
THE BEST JOKE IN EXISTENCE
this will never not be funny
According to the Guardian’s early review of Captain America: The Winter Soldier, it’s the first time Black Widow has got to be an “actual character” rather than a “voluptuous female mascot.” Unfortunately, chief Guardian critic Peter Bradshaw’s follow-up was a little less sure of this, with Black Widow then being described as a “leather-clad… ass-kicking ex-Soviet adventuress whose auburn hairstyle is matched by her distinctive fake tan-type maquillage and restrained ochre lipstick.”
I’m glad he told us about her makeup routine, because otherwise that description would teach us next to nothing about her character.
In the Independent, Black Widow is a “sultry femme fatale,” although the Telegraph gives her the inaccurate but far more positive rating of “the most (the first?) complex female role in the Avengers franchise to date.” Apparently he failed to notice Pepper Potts (40-year-old tech company CEO), the four central female characters of the Thor movies, Peggy Carter (World War II intelligence agent), Maria Hill (deputy director of an international spy agency), and half the main cast of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
This is just a casual look at some of the newspaper reviews in the UK, where Captain America: The Winter Soldier has already been out for a week. When the movie is released in the U.S. on April 4, you can expect more of the same from American reviewers. The general consensus so far is that Black Widow, a character who receives almost as much screentime as Captain America himself, is only worth describing in terms of her appearance, and then only for about one sentence in a multi-paragraph review.
Just for kicks, I took a look at the top reviews for The Avengers, to see what America’s most acclaimed and respected cinema critics thought of Black Widow back in 2012. Bear in mind that most of these quotes are the only description of Scarlett Johansson’s performance in the entire review.[….]
The Chicago Tribune’s Michael Phillips went for that old favorite, “leather-clad,” while Salon’s Andrew O’Hehir didn’t even bother to beat around the bush, describing, “Scarlett Johansson in a catsuit… cocking her head just so as if to acknowledge that she’s the idealized fetish object of the 11-year-old boy within every so-called adult male.” Idealized fetish object.
Time Out didn’t even bother referring to Black Widow by name, joking that Johansson’s superhero persona was “Distracting Catsuit.” By comparison, the comments from the Hollywood Reporter (“a sultry, scarlet-haired assassin”) and Village Voice (“ass-kicking all-purpose Girl Friday”) seem positively feminist.
If you feel like playing film critic misogyny bingo when America’s first round of Winter Soldier reviews are published this week, I recommend looking out for the phrases “leather-clad” and “ass-kicker.” These are an easy way to weed out any reviewers who weren’t paying attention to the movie, because neither phrase describes Black Widow’s actual role.[…..]
Spider-Man’s spandex costume is probably more salacious, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t wind up being described as an homme fatale by anyone with a Pulitzer.
[….] Apparently the mere concept of Scarlett Johansson in a tight outfit is so dazzlingly erotic that it bypasses some male reviewers’ conscious minds and causes them to ignore everything she says and does for the rest of the movie. The result is a series of reviews from highly respected film critics who, given the opportunity to describe each Avenger in a single sentence, replace Black Widow’s summary with the announcement, “I AM A HETEROSEXUAL MAN AND SCARLETT JOHANSSON’S BOOBS ARE AWESOME.”
Captain America, Thor, and the Winter Soldier have all filmed shirtless scenes (in Thor’s case, purely for eye candy purposes on both occasions), and Cap’s everyday outfit of choice is a white T-shirt several sizes too small for his bulging torso. Yet oddly enough, reviewers somehow manage to discuss those characters on their own terms, rather than reducing them to their component body parts and costumes.[….]
Sadly, there’s very little sign of this character in the most easily accessible reviews of both The Avengers and Winter Soldier. Judging by the Guardian, WSJ, or New Yorker, Black Widow is more like a blow-up doll with a black belt. By their logic, if she’s wearing a tight outfit, then she must be a sexy ass-kicker, meaning that she must be the token female character, and therefore is little more than eye candy.
With that thought process in mind, it must make perfect sense to relegate Black Widow to a single sniggering comment about her catsuit, because obviously Scarlett Johansson is just there for decoration. And if you’ve read in the New York Times that Black Widow is a token female character, then chances are you’ll have internalized that opinion before you even buy a ticket. The feedback loop of misogynist preconceptions continues on, and in the end, we all lose out.
Marvel has spent several years teasing fans with the possibility of a Black Widow solo movie, which Scarlett Johansson has already said she’d be very happy to do. Luckily, she’s already well prepared for the inevitable influx of reviews that will expend a paragraph describing her body and “leather” catsuit before moving onto the substance of the film.
In an interview with Esquire magazine in 2006, Johansson was already grimly amused by being awarded the dubious honor of being Sexiest Woman Alive. “You work hard making independent films for fourteen years and you get voted Best Breasts,” she said. “What about my brain? What about my heart? What about my kidneys and my gallbladder?”
The interviewer, apparently unaware of the irony, followed this up by writing, “There is, no doubt, a fetish Website devoted to Scarlett’s gallbladder — which, by the way, fellas, is all natural.”
You just can’t win.
My Mom just accidentally prematurely sent an email to an accounting firm… It was supposed to say ‘I am afraid that we will have to postpone our meeting”
but she hit send when all it said was
I am afraid
THIS POS T GETS ME EVEYRTIME
HOW DID I SCROLL PAST THIS WITHOUT GIVING IT A CHANCE
With this gif, we shall achieve world peace.
The incredible thing is the number of people who ignore that, and the incredible amount of people within that number who are female.
You know, fanfiction writers should realise that a certain number of young female persons are learning about their own body reading fics that always describe the loss of virginity as searing pain + litres of blood.
Are—are there really people who knowingly ignore the fact and continue to perpetuate the myth?
Really seriously though the prevalence of this narrative is really disturbing to me
guess what, your first time is NOT supposed to hurt. Jesus, it’s 2014.
Every time I see a post about hymens and virginity, I need to say this and reiterate it and just make everyone understand:
your first time is not supposed to hurt
your first time is not supposed to hurt
your first time is not supposed to hurt
IT IS NOT A REQUIREMENT TO BLEED FOR YOUR FIRST TIME
REASONS YOU MIGHT BLEED FOR YOUR FIRST TIME:
- Not enough lubrication.
- Not enough preparation.
- Not enough foreplay.
- Your partner is a giant dicksplash.
TIPS AND HINTS FOR YOUR FIRST TIME THAT I WISH I HAD:
- LUBE IS YOUR VERY BEST FRIEND! Yes the vagina secretes a fluid that can act as a natural lubricant but that is not enough for vaginal sex. And for some women (like myself), they do not secrete nearly enough for even penetration, let alone sex. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH LUBE.
- FOREPLAY, FOREPLAY, FOREPLAY!!! You want to be good and turned on, like super turned on, coz the more you’re aroused, the more pliant and warm your vagina is going to be, and it’s more likely to allow a dick in without tearing. Like even when you’re giving birth, doctors nowadays will actually massage the outer rim of your vagina so that everything loosens up and allows A FUCKING BABY TO BE BORN WITHOUT TEARING YOU.
- PREPARATION (WHICH IS SOMEWHAT RELATED TO FOREPLAY)!!!! If you have never had anything in your vagina before, you’re probs gonna need a couple fingers in there to help you loosen up. This can easily be tied into foreplay.
- A GENTLE, UNDERSTANDING LOVER WHO KNOWS AND RESPECTS THE ABOVE HINTS!!!! You don’t have to be in love with the person you first have sex with, but it should be someone who respects you and your boundaries!!! Before having sex with someone, explain to them these things and your masturbatory experience, your wants and needs. If they don’t respect that THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR VAGINA.
Basically it comes down to this: if your partner says “it’s normal to bleed the first time,” sit him (or her) down and talk to them about what actually happens and how it’s supposed to go. If they respect that, cool. If they don’t, fuck ‘em. Actually no, don’t fuck them, dump their ass and find someone who doesn’t subscribe to the belief that anything as lovely and intimate as your first time having sex has to hurt.
This is a basic patriarchal myth to both scare women from having sex, as well as contribute to the laziness of men in terms of making sex enjoyable for their female partners.
Sex never has to hurt. And don’t you dare let anyone tell you that it fucking has to.
If you have health problems that legitimately make vaginal intercourse hurt, there are a billion other things you can do with your partner, and you should communicate your health issues to every single partner. Again, if they respect that, rock on. If they don’t, tell them ‘adios’ and leave the bedroom.
I feel like someone breathed new air into my lungs. I am not Abnegation. I am not Dauntless. I am Divergent.